i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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