If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize