Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
