I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Do vagina's smell?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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