i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
