he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
