Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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