walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Randomize
