it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
