We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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