when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
