Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
The struggles of a small town man whore
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
