YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
