My room smells like vodka and shame
I cannot find my penis.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
