Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Couch. On fire.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize