the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
