i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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