So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize