Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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