OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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