Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
