I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
You just made me feel so damn special
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize