Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
