Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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