I think I died a long time ago.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
