i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She told me I should be a condom model.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
