john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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