they need to just BURY HIM!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
