I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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