Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
