And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
