Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I'm always down for nudity.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
