Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
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