Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
