Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
