GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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