You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
