I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
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