I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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