i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
