your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
