i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
