Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
