Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
