distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
