I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
