I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We need to get me chipped asap
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
