Soap is not a condiment
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
