I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
