If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
