first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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