Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
