I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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