Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
