So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
