I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
