ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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