we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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